


Interesting Ending Battle

by ForwardInAForwardlyDirection



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Gen, Lots of Ridiculousness, Parody, Written Pre-Deathly Hallows, based on fan theories, everyone is ooc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-31
Updated: 2017-08-31
Packaged: 2018-12-22 00:47:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11956206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForwardInAForwardlyDirection/pseuds/ForwardInAForwardlyDirection
Summary: What if all of the fan theories about what would happen in Deathly Hallows were right?





	Interesting Ending Battle

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this over 10 years ago, before Deathly Hallows came out. It was meant to be a parody of all of the theories thrown around at the time. I’ve left this unedited so I can look back on what my writing was like when I was a young teen. Hopefully it’ll be a mildly entertaining glimpse into the past for some of you.

Everyone knew there would be one final battle. Everyone knew there would be one specific champion remaining. Nobody expected all of what did happen, or that they could be slightly wrong in their assumptions.

Both sides had prepared for the final confrontation. Each side had suffered casualties as well as other difficulties in the past battles. Each side knew what was at stake.

People knew this would be the final battle because Voldemort himself had openly challenged Harry to a duel, with all others watching, unable to help at the sidelines. Harry had accepted on the condition that the duel was to take place in a deserted area.

While many tried, no one could make Harry change his mind. All they could do was prepare for the battle that would surely take place among the sidelines.

The time had already been set, the Order was in place, and it was only a few minutes before the Death Eaters would begin to show up. The atmosphere was tense. Harry said a terse farewell to a crying Hermione and an extremely solemn Ron. He stepped into a clearing patiently awaiting Voldemort. He didn’t have to wait long.

The sound of many wizards apparating filled the area. The Order quickly took shelter behind trees in the surrounding forest. One last crack echoed through the clearing as Voldemort himself appeared in front of Harry.

Before he could attempt to say or do anything, Harry shot a stunning curse at him.

“Stop!” someone commanded as Voldemort neatly dodged the curse.

“Dumbledore!” shouted Harry, upon seeing who had uttered the word “stop”.

“Everyone stop!” repeated Dumbledore, who with a complicated wand movement, made everyone freeze.

“Thank you,” said Voldemort.

“Wait. What’s going on? You can’t be Dumbledore!” shouted Harry.

He then tried to fire a curse at Dumbledore, but realized soon that it was pointless. His wand wasn’t working. For that matter, hardly any part of his body was. It seemed Dumbledore’s spell had caused most everyone to freeze, only able to talk. Only Dumbledore and Voldemort were able to move freely.

“First of all,” said Voldemort, “I’d just like to say that I knew you would never agree to talk to me, so I set this entire thing up with Dumbledore’s help. We figure it’s about time you learned a few things.”

Harry found it hard to comprehend this. Voldemort must be lying, that was one of the things he was best at, but still, why go to all the trouble? Why not just kill him now and get it over with? Harry finally just decided to play along until he got a decent chance for escape.

“What do you mean?” he asked, “And how could Dumbledore have helped you if he was dead?”

“I’m right here Harry,” “Dumbledore” said.

“He’s right Harry. Dumbledore was never killed. Wasn’t it obvious?” asked Voldemort.

“No,” came the reply.

“Voldemort, you’re going about this the wrong way. Haven’t you noticed he’s a little slow to get things. I mean, I’ll bet…”

Dumbledore was interrupted in his speech by Harry’s indignant “Excuse me?!”

“As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted,” Dumbledore continued, “I’ll bet that if someone were reading about all of Harry’s adventures, they probably would’ve figured everything out ages before Harry managed to solve it. There were always so many clues, but he still had to get help from others and normally didn’t solve anything until the ‘villian’ told him everything in a speech.”

Harry was about to make another indignant reply until he realized this was partly true. However, he wouldn’t let this Dumbledore imposter get to him. He’d learned enough not to let such silly emotions control him or his actions.

“What you need to do is start at the beginning and explain everything from there, like you or the other antagonists normally do when Harry faces you,” “Dumbledore” concluded.

“Fine, fine. Have it your way Albus. Anyways…” Voldemort trailed off.

“Why don’t I help you get started? Who is this person pretending to be Dumbledore? And why haven’t you killed me yet?” asked Harry.

“Why haven’t I killed you yet?! How could I kill my own son?!” Voldemort responded in utter shock.

“What d’you mean, how could I kill my own son?! How could I be your son? You’ve been trying to kill me since I was born!” Harry responded with equal shock.

“I didn’t know you were my son until a year ago, when Albus suggested I get a test done. He willingly supplied some of your DNA and the results were soon positive,” explained Voldemort.

“What?!” said Harry.

“Don’t listen to him Harry. He’s just trying to mess with you. He probably just got the idea by watching Star Wars,” said Hermione.

“What’s Star Wars?” asked Voldemort.

“People, people. I believe we’re losing the point here. Yes Harry, Voldemort is indeed your father,” said Dumbledore.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!” yelled Remus.

“What’s wrong Remus?” asked Tonks.

“I always thought I was your father. Lily lied to me!” sobbed Remus.

“What?” said Harry. “You thought you were my father and you never told me?!”

Before Remus could respond, another voice could be heard sobbing “But I thought I was your father. Lily lied to me too. That’s why I was always so mean to you. I couldn’t risk anyone knowing that you were my son, but I didn’t even have to act that way.”

The voice turned out to be none other then Severus Snape.

A couple of other people could be heard murmuring things like “I knew it” or “I thought he was Harry’s dad too”.

“Everyone thought James wasn’t my dad and no one even bothered to tell me?!” yelled Harry.

“Wait Harry! That’s not true. It’s me, James. No one ever thought Remus was your dad. Honestly Harry,” said Remus’s voice.

“You’re not James! How could you be?! Why is everyone lying?!” cried Harry.

“But I’m not lying. Remus and I switched places before Voldemort came to kill us. I’ve been living in Remus’s body for the entire time, and boy was it hard. I couldn’t even tell anyone the truth and I had to pretend to be in love with Sirius when he came back. I mean, I’m not even gay. And you wouldn’t believe…” Remus/James was cut off before he could finish.

“How could you?!” cried Sirius. It seemed everyone’s emotions were on the edge.

“Sirius, you’re alive!” cried a number of people, not including Harry. He couldn’t believe any of this was happening and was starting to think he might be hallucinating, or at least dreaming. 

“Wait! My father isn’t the issue right now, and neither is Sirius. First of all, I’d like to know who you are,” said Harry, inclining his head towards “Dumbledore”.

“Well, it really depends what you mean by that,” said Dumbledore. “I’m the same Dumbledore that you’ve always known. Severus never really killed me.”

Seeing the look of total disbelief on Harry’s face, Dumbledore said, “Here, I’ll prove it.”

Suddenly, Fawkes came out of nowhere in a burst of flames. “Is that enough for you?” Dumbledore asked Harry.

Harry still couldn’t believe this was happening, and by using his common sense, he figured that someone else in the world must own a phoenix. (It remains to be seen whether he was right about this.) Harry shook his head.

“Fine. What if I tell you…what I said I saw in the mirror of erised?”

Harry realized that someone could’ve been listening in, and that was why he asked if he could choose the question. Dumbledore accepted.

“What exactly did you say to me and Hermione”

“Hermione and me,” said Hermione.

“Wow you’re stuck up. Oh my name just has to be first.” said Ron.

“No I’m not. It’s proper grammar,” said Hermione to defend herself.

“Stop!” shouted Harry. “Now, as I was saying. What exactly did you say to Hermione and me the night Sirius was captured in my third year and Hermione, Ron, and I were in the hospital right before you locked the door?” 

Harry thought this was a good question because he knew that wasn’t something Dumbledore would’ve said to them if he knew someone was there, and Dumbledore always seemed to know when someone was nearby trying to hide.

“I said ‘Three turns should do it. Good luck,’” replied “Dumbledore”.

Harry wasn’t sure if those were the exact words, but he knew it was something so similar that no one else could’ve known it.

“It really is you!” he shouted, momentarily forgetting his suspicion. 

“Now to tell you what I meant by ‘It really depends what you meant by that,’” Said Dumbledore. “You see, I’m actually Ron from the future, though I’m sure you’ve figured that out by now.”

“What?!” said Harry.

“You haven’t figured it out yet? Not even when Riddle showed you that I had auburn colored hair when I was teaching Transfiguration?” said an exasperated Dumbledore.

“Now you’re doing it,” said Voldemort.

“No!” yelled Harry.

“Jeez Harry. Even I figured that one out, and I didn’t even go into Tom Riddle’s memory with you,” said Ron. Harry figured that Ron could be smarter than he had given him credit for if he had figured that out.

“But why didn’t anyone tell me?” asked Harry.

“We thought you would’ve figured it out by now,” said Hermione.

Harry decided to content himself with staring open-mouthed at Ron and Dumbledore.  
Finally he came up with what he thought was a brilliant question. “Then who was Aberforth?” he asked.

“Ginny Weasley of course,” said Dumbledore. “That’s why you couldn’t meet him.”

Harry found this more than slightly disturbing. If he survived this, he didn’t think he’d ever be able to look at Ginny Weasley in the same way again. He stole a quick glance at her. Apparently she noticed.

“Don’t look at me like that! I’m sure we used plenty of spells and potions to make me look different and hide my identity!” she exclaimed with a quick look at Dumbledore/Ron.

“Yes, of course we did,” Dumbledore confirmed.

By now, Harry felt emotionally unstable, which was actually something he felt quite used to.

“Okay, let me guess, my mother was really Professor McGonagall, who is actually Lily right now, and Moody is actually some random dead guy, while Sirius is actually Peter, and Peter is actually a squib. That must mean that Malfoy is the nicest person in the world too,” said Harry.

“You know, those were actually really good guesses, but none of them are right,” said Hermione.

“Oh that’s right, because you’re probably my mother from the past!” by now, Harry really seemed out of his mind. He even drank a potion that Peter handed to him. No one knew whether this was because he had no idea what was going on, didn’t care if he died, or didn’t think he’d be killed by poison.

The potion ended up being a draught of peace provided by Dumbledore.

“Hello people! I think we’ve strayed way too far from the original question of ‘Why haven’t you killed me yet’. You see Harry, as you now know, before I knew you were my son I created seven horcruxes. However, I doubt you were able to figure out that, in a way, there are eight,” Voldemort said scornfully.

“You see Harry, there are a total of seven horcruxes, and then there’s me, the eighth one. You have already, with the help of Albus here I might add, correctly identified six horcruxes, but what about the seventh?” said Voldemort.

Harry just stared at him, wishing this was all just a nightmare, even though his adventures normally ended up being much more dangerous. With his Gryffindor bravery, he couldn’t help but prefer danger to all of this drama and these complicated emotions/feelings.

“You, Harry, are the seventh and final horcrux. To kill me, you would’ve had to kill yourself, which was another reason I decided to have this conversation,” Voldemort said.

“It was partly my idea too,” chimed in Dumbledore.

“This is so bloody pointless!” shouted Harry.

“Obviously not since you never discovered any of this on your own,” said Voldemort.

“Well, is that all that I need to know, or is there more that I never managed to understand, but plays a key role in my life?”

“Well, speaking of key roles, I’m surprised you never figured out that Mark Evans would’ve been able to help you with just about everything. Did you truly never realize how important he was?”

“Who’s Mark Evans?” Harry shouted in frustration.

“Me,” said Mark Evans. “Don’t you remember? I was the kid that Dudley beat up.”

“And how, exactly, are you the key to everything?” asked Harry.

“Well, for one thing, I’m a half blood, and was this close to adopting the title “The Half-Blood Prince, before I realized that it was taken. For another, I’m related to your mom and you. You know, Evans. Get it? Oh, and I happen to know where Voldemort hid all of his horcruxes.”

“How do you know that?” asked Harry.

“Well, I had to if I was going to play such an important role in your sixth and seventh year. Too bad you never figured any of this out.”

“Am I really the only one who never knew this?” shouted Harry.

“Well, we didn’t know either, but then, we had never met or heard of Mark Evans,” said Hermione, speaking on both her and Ron’s behalf.

“Just about everyone else knew,” said Dumbledore.

Harry gritted his teeth and decided that he must indeed be crazy. Even if this was a dream, he’d only be having one this weird if he was insane.

“How are you related to me?” Harry asked.

“I’m your mother’s and aunt’s cousin. Too bad your grandparents, my aunt and uncle, are dead. They would’ve loved to see two more magical kids in the family. After finding out that Petunia was a squib, they were so disappointed. Good thing they had Lily.”

“Okay, let’s go back to a previous topic. So, Dumbledore, wait, sorry, Ron, why did you come back to this time?” Harry asked.

“Why, to give you a push in the right direction of course,” said Dumbledore. “I knew you’d never figure anything out without my help, so I came back. Ginny wanted to come too, so I brought her with me. But I’ll have to admit, even I didn’t realize you were this dense.”

“Aargh! Enough Harry bashing! I get it already! I’m obviously the stupidest one here!” Harry shouted, expecting someone to disagree with him, even if it was only to comfort him.

“You got that right,” said Ron.

“Yeah,” Hermione agreed.

Everyone else nodded their heads.

“So then, why did Snape”

“Professor Snape, Harry,” said Dumbledore.

“I thought you hated him anyways,” said Harry. “What does it matter to you what I call him?”

“Harry, I never hated Severus,” said Dumbledore.

“What?! You...never mind. So, why did Professor Snape pretend to kill you?”

“Well, I needed some excuse to leave, so that you’d be able to work on your own and hopefully learn to work things out for yourself. Apparently it was all for nothing though,” Dumbledore said.

As soon as Dumbledore was through speaking, Professor Snape made his comment. 

“What is wrong with Ron never hating me?” he asked.

“Well…”

“Careful Harry!” Hermione warned. “You don’t ever want to make a vampire mad.”

“What does that have to do with…oh,” said Harry. “Of course. I’m also the only one who didn’t know that Professor Snape was a vampire.”

“Precisely Harry. I think you’re beginning to get the hang of things,” said Dumbledore.

“Is that why you were always so evil?” asked Harry.

“Evil!” Professor Snape laughed. “You’re kidding, right? I’ve got to be one of the nicest people you’ve had the fortune, or misfortune depending on how you look at it, to know.”

“Exactly. That’s why I love you so much, Dad,” said Luna.

“Snape’s your Dad?!” Harry exclaimed.

“Yes. Of course he is Harry. Who else would’ve taught me all of the things I know?” asked Luna.

Harry tried his best not to stare at her.

“One last question,” said Harry, turning to face Dumbledore again. “Why are you and Voldemort working together? And why did we go through this entire war if you are both on the same side?”

“That’s two questions,” Voldemort pointed out.

“You bloody…”

“Are you sure Wormtail gave Harry the right potion?” Voldemort asked Dumbledore.

“Yes. If he hadn’t, Harry probably would’ve destroyed everything with all of his miraculous elemental powers and stupendous magical strength by now,” said Dumbledore.

“What powers?” asked Harry, who was then easily ignored.

“Now, Voldemort and I have been working together for quite a while,” Dumbledore began. “I was on his side since the first time I met him. Really, who wouldn’t be? Anyways, I created the Order simply to provide fun and a distraction while we achieved our goal. Without it, a real force might’ve come up against us, but I’m not sure that it was ever really necessary.”

“So you basically just manipulated everyone for your own entertainment?” Harry said.

“Basically, yes. When we heard the prophecy, Voldemort tried to kill you, but instead accidentally made you a horcrux. When he came back, he still tried to kill you, figuring that it was worth it. Up until a year ago, that is. Now that we know you’re his son, there’s no point anymore. Oh well.”

“So, are you still trying to conquer the world?” Harry asked.

“Pretty much,” said Voldemort.

“Can I join you?” asked Harry.

“NO!” shouted James (in Remus’ body of course). “Harry, you can’t! Even if the Order was just a distraction, we can still band together!”

“But I don’t want to be on the light side anymore. Besides, Voldemort’s my real dad. Yeah, I think I’ll join them.”

Everyone stared at Harry in complete shock.

“What? I’m actually doing the smart thing for once. This is something I won’t get killed doing, so I figure that’s better than what I usually do.”

“Well, I suppose so Harry, but,” Hermione began.

“Wait. Before I join your side, I have one last question. Can anyone who wants to join your side with me?”

“Hmmm, well…” Voldemort said.

“Is that the only way you’ll join us?” asked Dumbledore.

Harry thought about it. In all actuality, he had just been curious, but if he wanted his friends to join them and not be killed, now was the time to see to it.

“Yes,” said Harry.

“Well then it’s settled,” said Dumbledore. “All who wish to stay alive, raise your hands.”

Everyone raised their hands.

“Will you all be loyal to our cause?” Dumbledore asked.

“Wait, does joining you mean that we have to kill muggleborns?” asked Hermione.

“Oh goodness no. That was all just a big misunderstanding,” said Dumbledore. “All we want to do is rule the entire world, muggle and wizarding alike, peacefully.”

“Well, okay then,” said Hermione. Everyone else seemed to agree.

Then, they all joined forces, took control of the Ministry of Magic, the British Ministry, and finally the world, and they all lived happily ever after. The End.


End file.
